René Auberjonois is Dead and is not Alfonso Ribeiro

It’s Sunday, December 8, 2019 and it’s just been a relentless day of death.

First Juice Wrld had a seizure while walking through Chicago’s Midway airport. Law enforcement sources say he was bleeding from the mouth when paramedics got on scene. The 21 year old was pronounced dead a short time later at the hospital.

The final voyage of Juice Wrld.
The Post Malone Milenium Zapruder tape.

Then Caroll Spinney, the guy inside the Big Bird costume, died. He had something called Dystonia. It causes the muscles to contract uncontrollably. The man spent nearly fifty years inside that muppet. Holding up the five pound head with one hand.

Big Bird didn’t understand that Mr. Hopper wasn’t coming back.
This is what it sounds like…
When Birds Cry

I am not ready for the inevitable Sesame Street tribute. An eight foot bird eulogizing the man who gave him life is going to tug all the strings and make me cry like a little bitch.

But I got this meme to get me through:

Brutal

And now René Auberjonois is dead. Damn! Will Smith can forget about rebooting the Fresh Prince – Carlton is gone.

Wait, what?

I’m a goddamned idiot. I’ve not spent much time sounding out the random set of letters that spell René Auberjonois. Nor have I given much thought to the group that spells Alfonso Ribeiro.

I must have dyslexia because until today I thought these letters spelt the same thing.

Turns out the somewhat Continental sounding René Auberjonois was an older white guy. And, I’m assuming, never did the Carlton (the dance, or, for that matter, the actor who played him).

Not dead yet, bitches!

This photo of René Auberjonois from 1981 looks suspiciously like Brad. You remember Brad. He moved here in 5th grade. He was from California. His father was the publisher of the Urinal Review. His mother was the heiress to a playing card fortune. He was from California?

They had a chic and modern California style split level in Twin Oaks. He was from California? You know, California – where everything is better. You gotta remember him. He was the fifth grade Spicoli. He knew how to surf because he was from California. And he wore Vans because…


For the love of humanity, someone check on Lil Pump.
I just know this delicious Colombian Twink will appear on Broke Straight Boys.

An army of Bob Rosses

Hey Google… what’s the temperature?

In Indianapolis right now, it’s 52.

Perfect. Kitchen window open. Living room window open. Cross breeze going. Spotify coming through the speakers. Mama’s Got a Squeezebox on repeat.

I learnt that ELO is actually a band of cloned Bob Rosses.

Welcome to my mind at 5 am.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Must be my current obsession of death and dying and just what the fuck was the point of all this. But more on that another time.

Wake up in the recliner. Go pee. Stumble to bed. Check email.

4:20 am Amazon prime informs me that I can shop the 12 Days of Deals. Looks promising. I need to spend money like a fat kid needs a candy bar. Let’s click it open.

What’s this, Amazon? Starz for only 99¢a month? Click.

Big Bird is dead. Caroll Spinney, 85 is dead. So soon. ←

Stoker Ace (Bert Reynolds and Loni Anderson?), The Brady Bunch films, Joe Pesci, 90s films, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Maybe I have. It must be ancient.Jim Carey’s gone mad, right? Or he’s just real woke. He was creepy as the burnt fire marshal. I liked the Truman Show. Always intended to watch Man on the Moon but I can’t get past Andy Kaufman. Probably difficult to overlook Andy Kaufman in a biography of Andy Kaufman.

I did like Being John Malkovich. And that REM song they used for the title. But I like Nightswimming more. I also like early 90s Michael Stipe more than 2019 cashing in on anniversary edition album releases Michael Stipe. Fuck. He said in a recent interview that ‘everyone’ knew he was queer. Never tried to hide it. Then what the fuck was that shit with Natalie Merchant?

Anyway, 2004 is the year Eternal Sunshine was released. Newer than I had guessed. Have I seen it? Watch Trailer.

Nope. Looks like some trippy shit. Not sure I want to invest an hour and 48 minutes.

But that music. I’ve heard it before. What is it?

Google it. Well hello, Electric Light Orchestra and Mr Blue Sky. One of the lesser known singles. ELO reminds me of late 70s, 80s. Lots of bike riding and Cox Addition. Camp Rotary.

More Google..

Wikipedia, I need your help! 1977. Jeff Lynne. I recognize the name, understand that he’s important someway in pop music. Put in check later. Wait. Jeff Lynne re recorded all his ELO shit in a home studio.

Lots of artists are doing this. It must be a way of screwing the original record companies or something.

All the comments say this is the happiest song. They’re there because of Reddit. And some Marvel Comics film. No one mentions Eternal Sunshine.

Best comment: They look like a band full of Bob Ross’s. 

Second Best: Omg I just realized its just British people complaining about weather

Was part of a concerto. Seventh album. 35 on US Billboard Hot 100.

WTF. Weezer did a cover in 2019.

Back to YouTube. Search. Weezer. Click. Well hello, Weezer and Mr Blue Sky. I think I like it better. Sounds crisper. Cleaner. But almost exactly the same. A cover version should be a true copy of the original like this. Or it should vaguely resemble its origin while showcasing the cover artist’s talents.

Hold on. Who the fuck is Weezer? I remember something about a sweater and a Happy Days video?

Weezer is on tour through 2020. Good for them. They’re touring with Green Day. I’m afraid Billy Joe Armstrong will age like Robert Smith from The Cure. He looks like someone’s grandma. Or Nancy from Accounting. You know her. The one that organizes employee pitch-ins and ‘spirit’ days at work.

Robert Smith
Someone’s got a case of the Mondays. I don’t care if Monday’s blue…

But if he feels good presenting this way, good on him. I think we’re required to state this disclaimer so we don’t seem to be looks-shaming. But I want to get snowflake and demand that all images of sixty year old British men with disheveled hair, eyeliner, cakey foundation, and smeared lipstick be preceded with a trigger warning.

You’ve been warned…

And speaking of triggers. Cindy, Cindy, Cindy. We get it. You’re the straight one. Your brother died of AIDS. You’ve had to be around Fred Schneider all these years. But girl – don’t you have any gays? Let me rephrase that: Don’t you have any gays that will tell you ‘NO MA’AM’?

Orlando. 2018. A 62 year old woman appears on stage in a blonde beehive and body hugging sequined dress.

I’m not fat shaming – but seriously. When I saw the video I had to take off my glasses and squint to confirm. Please baby jeezus, don’t let it… Oh for fuck’s sake. It IS Cindy. How did I miss news of her pregnancy? Don’t turn sideways! Don’t turn… OMFG.

All three of you! There’s enough belly fat between the three of them that we could build a replacement Ricky. Or replace that handsome Keith Strickland. The only one smart enough not to join this circus.

The man is fine. 65 years old in this photo.

Everything About Corporate Culture That Makes Me Vomit a Little

When I dashed off to grab the Chrome River link I made the mistake of scrolling through their *very unique* website.

Cringy posts aren’t just created by stay-at-home mom bloggers hoping to retire from Amazon affiliate links and “Ree Drummond inspired” recipes.

Web 2.0 corporate software hucksters also post shit that should embarrass anyone that can read.

Case in point:

Chrome River is real hip to the latest meme
Let’s take something that’s peripherally in the news and spin it to show that we’re more like your cool uncle. And let’s also throw in a random, inclusive, culturally sensitive stock photo that has nothing to do with the post – just to show how non binary and hip we are.

There’s more cringe on their site (of course there is).

How’d you like to know where the company name came from? Really? Too bad – here it is.

When the company started back in 2007, our founders, Alan Rich and Dave Terry, wanted a very Web 2.0-type name, and the walrus is a beloved animal of Alan’s wife. We needed to pair it with a descriptor and a simple color seemed natural as ‘walrus’ was already unique enough. With that as our first step, we liked how the concepts of the walrus and the color green ‘felt,’ so we decided to go with Green Walrus.


Finding Humor in the Mundane

So I’m at work and checking the status of my expense report. I had no idea the Real Housewives were UI designers for Chrome River.

receipts
Why yes, Andy, I have the receipts right here.

It’s shit software, by the way. But it could be the horrible implementation, lackluster support, and sub par standards that my current employer is responsible for that makes it such a *delight* to work in.

Today in Uber…

Today I picked up an immigrant family of four. They are from Mauritania. First we dropped off their two children with a sitter and then went on to the IUPUI dental school. Mohammed, an over the road trucker, was home for a couple of days and was taking his wife to the dentist.

We started talking and I told them I had been an ESL teacher in Turkey and Egypt. He asked about classes for his wife, Ama. I’m not familiar enough with Indianapolis to know what’s available, but I did recommend they contact the Immigrant Welcome Center. The IWC seems like a great resource for immigrants like Mohammed and Ama.

God forbid a MAGA supporter find themselves born in Mauritania. It really does seem to be a shithole country. It’s about 3/4 desert, life expectancy is 61 years, $43 a year per person is spent on healthcare, 2% of the population live in slavery, human rights are generally poor, and the government is considered corrupt. (Come to think of it, with the so-called climate change, it’s not too unlike Trumplandia.)

That hypothetical Mauritanian MAGA supporter would do anything to escape those conditions. For decades America has been perceived (deservedly or not) as a land that welcomes immigrants. A place where anyone can become someone if they work hard enough. Failure was only an option for the lazy. Naturally, that MAGA cretin would have her sights set on the land of the free.

Mohammed is a chemical engineer and graduated from university in Morocco. They’ve been in the States for about five years. and absolutely love being in Indianapolis. They had only good things to say about their situation and seemed genuinely happy. This is heartwarming to me, especially given the xenophobic atmosphere that orange ass in Washington has stoked.

By the time we arrived at the destination, Ama was insisting I come for dinner (lamb! couscous! tagine!). We exchanged numbers and I promised to bring sea salt chocolate chunk cookies when I come for dinner.