René Auberjonois is Dead and is not Alfonso Ribeiro

It’s Sunday, December 8, 2019 and it’s just been a relentless day of death.

First Juice Wrld had a seizure while walking through Chicago’s Midway airport. Law enforcement sources say he was bleeding from the mouth when paramedics got on scene. The 21 year old was pronounced dead a short time later at the hospital.

The final voyage of Juice Wrld.
The Post Malone Milenium Zapruder tape.

Then Caroll Spinney, the guy inside the Big Bird costume, died. He had something called Dystonia. It causes the muscles to contract uncontrollably. The man spent nearly fifty years inside that muppet. Holding up the five pound head with one hand.

Big Bird didn’t understand that Mr. Hopper wasn’t coming back.
This is what it sounds like…
When Birds Cry

I am not ready for the inevitable Sesame Street tribute. An eight foot bird eulogizing the man who gave him life is going to tug all the strings and make me cry like a little bitch.

But I got this meme to get me through:

Brutal

And now René Auberjonois is dead. Damn! Will Smith can forget about rebooting the Fresh Prince – Carlton is gone.

Wait, what?

I’m a goddamned idiot. I’ve not spent much time sounding out the random set of letters that spell René Auberjonois. Nor have I given much thought to the group that spells Alfonso Ribeiro.

I must have dyslexia because until today I thought these letters spelt the same thing.

Turns out the somewhat Continental sounding René Auberjonois was an older white guy. And, I’m assuming, never did the Carlton (the dance, or, for that matter, the actor who played him).

Not dead yet, bitches!

This photo of René Auberjonois from 1981 looks suspiciously like Brad. You remember Brad. He moved here in 5th grade. He was from California. His father was the publisher of the Urinal Review. His mother was the heiress to a playing card fortune. He was from California?

They had a chic and modern California style split level in Twin Oaks. He was from California? You know, California – where everything is better. You gotta remember him. He was the fifth grade Spicoli. He knew how to surf because he was from California. And he wore Vans because…


For the love of humanity, someone check on Lil Pump.
I just know this delicious Colombian Twink will appear on Broke Straight Boys.

An army of Bob Rosses

Hey Google… what’s the temperature?

In Indianapolis right now, it’s 52.

Perfect. Kitchen window open. Living room window open. Cross breeze going. Spotify coming through the speakers. Mama’s Got a Squeezebox on repeat.

I learnt that ELO is actually a band of cloned Bob Rosses.

Welcome to my mind at 5 am.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Must be my current obsession of death and dying and just what the fuck was the point of all this. But more on that another time.

Wake up in the recliner. Go pee. Stumble to bed. Check email.

4:20 am Amazon prime informs me that I can shop the 12 Days of Deals. Looks promising. I need to spend money like a fat kid needs a candy bar. Let’s click it open.

What’s this, Amazon? Starz for only 99¢a month? Click.

Big Bird is dead. Caroll Spinney, 85 is dead. So soon. ←

Stoker Ace (Bert Reynolds and Loni Anderson?), The Brady Bunch films, Joe Pesci, 90s films, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Maybe I have. It must be ancient.Jim Carey’s gone mad, right? Or he’s just real woke. He was creepy as the burnt fire marshal. I liked the Truman Show. Always intended to watch Man on the Moon but I can’t get past Andy Kaufman. Probably difficult to overlook Andy Kaufman in a biography of Andy Kaufman.

I did like Being John Malkovich. And that REM song they used for the title. But I like Nightswimming more. I also like early 90s Michael Stipe more than 2019 cashing in on anniversary edition album releases Michael Stipe. Fuck. He said in a recent interview that ‘everyone’ knew he was queer. Never tried to hide it. Then what the fuck was that shit with Natalie Merchant?

Anyway, 2004 is the year Eternal Sunshine was released. Newer than I had guessed. Have I seen it? Watch Trailer.

Nope. Looks like some trippy shit. Not sure I want to invest an hour and 48 minutes.

But that music. I’ve heard it before. What is it?

Google it. Well hello, Electric Light Orchestra and Mr Blue Sky. One of the lesser known singles. ELO reminds me of late 70s, 80s. Lots of bike riding and Cox Addition. Camp Rotary.

More Google..

Wikipedia, I need your help! 1977. Jeff Lynne. I recognize the name, understand that he’s important someway in pop music. Put in check later. Wait. Jeff Lynne re recorded all his ELO shit in a home studio.

Lots of artists are doing this. It must be a way of screwing the original record companies or something.

All the comments say this is the happiest song. They’re there because of Reddit. And some Marvel Comics film. No one mentions Eternal Sunshine.

Best comment: They look like a band full of Bob Ross’s. 

Second Best: Omg I just realized its just British people complaining about weather

Was part of a concerto. Seventh album. 35 on US Billboard Hot 100.

WTF. Weezer did a cover in 2019.

Back to YouTube. Search. Weezer. Click. Well hello, Weezer and Mr Blue Sky. I think I like it better. Sounds crisper. Cleaner. But almost exactly the same. A cover version should be a true copy of the original like this. Or it should vaguely resemble its origin while showcasing the cover artist’s talents.

Hold on. Who the fuck is Weezer? I remember something about a sweater and a Happy Days video?

Weezer is on tour through 2020. Good for them. They’re touring with Green Day. I’m afraid Billy Joe Armstrong will age like Robert Smith from The Cure. He looks like someone’s grandma. Or Nancy from Accounting. You know her. The one that organizes employee pitch-ins and ‘spirit’ days at work.

Robert Smith
Someone’s got a case of the Mondays. I don’t care if Monday’s blue…

But if he feels good presenting this way, good on him. I think we’re required to state this disclaimer so we don’t seem to be looks-shaming. But I want to get snowflake and demand that all images of sixty year old British men with disheveled hair, eyeliner, cakey foundation, and smeared lipstick be preceded with a trigger warning.

You’ve been warned…

And speaking of triggers. Cindy, Cindy, Cindy. We get it. You’re the straight one. Your brother died of AIDS. You’ve had to be around Fred Schneider all these years. But girl – don’t you have any gays? Let me rephrase that: Don’t you have any gays that will tell you ‘NO MA’AM’?

Orlando. 2018. A 62 year old woman appears on stage in a blonde beehive and body hugging sequined dress.

I’m not fat shaming – but seriously. When I saw the video I had to take off my glasses and squint to confirm. Please baby jeezus, don’t let it… Oh for fuck’s sake. It IS Cindy. How did I miss news of her pregnancy? Don’t turn sideways! Don’t turn… OMFG.

All three of you! There’s enough belly fat between the three of them that we could build a replacement Ricky. Or replace that handsome Keith Strickland. The only one smart enough not to join this circus.

The man is fine. 65 years old in this photo.

The Best Chocolate Chunk Cookie

I dare you to bake these and not eat them.

Salted Chocolate Chunk Cookies

Course: Dessert
Cuisine: American
Keyword: chocolate chip
Servings: 18

Equipment

  • oven
  • wire rack
  • baking sheet

Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup butter unsalted
  • 2 tbsp sugar granulated
  • 2 tbsp turbinado sugar
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar dark, packed
  • 1 egg large, room temperature
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 3/4 tsp baking soda
  • 3/4 tsp sea salt coarse
  • 1 3/4 cup flour all-purpose
  • 8 oz chocolate chips semi-sweet
  • 8 oz dark chocolate chunks
  • sea salt coarse, to finish

Instructions

  • Heat oven to 360° F
  • Cream the butter and sugars until very light and fluffy, about 5 minutes
  • Add egg and vanilla, beating until incorporated
  • Add flour on a low speed until just mixed (dough will look crumbly)
  • Fold/stir in the chocolate chunks with a spatula
  • Put parchment paper or a silicon baking mat on baking sheet
  • Scoop cookies into 1 ½ T mounds, spacing them apart on the prepared baking sheet
  • Sprinkle each with a few flakes of sea salt
  • Bake for 11 to 12 minutes, until golden on the outside but still very gooey and soft inside
  • Rest on baking sheet out of the oven for 5 minutes
  • Transfer to a cooling rack

Notes

Extra dough can be formed into scoops and frozen on a sheet until solid, then transferred to a freezer bag. To bake from frozen add 1 minute at most to baking time.
Or form dough into a 2-inch log and freeze. Slice and bake as desired.
Trader Joe’s bittersweet or dark Pound Plus cut into roughly 1/2-inch chunks with a serrated knife or Hershey’s dark chocolate